White Sox Eliminated From Post Season; I Remain Predictably Pissed-Off.

Well, as of today the Chicago White Sox have been mathematically eliminated from the post-season. About two weeks ago I would have been heartbroken, but after last week’s embarrassing debacle against Oakland, they essentially obviated the futility of the remaining regular season games. I could cite examples even further back such as our unnecessarily arduous series against both Kansas City and Tampa Bay in which we proved not only that we would never again execute a flawless series, but also that our pitching staff needed some serious tune-ups, but mentioning these errors only draws out the pointlessness of lamenting the past.

However, I’m not here to discuss what went wrong, but to project possible solutions to our dilemma in order to avoid a future embarrassment next season. Now, a lot of ‘experts’ on the subject will no doubt expostulate at length about how Chicago needs to improve their pitching, blah, blah, blah. Since I know next to nothing about the strategies for building a successful baseball team, I will instead give you what I see as a viable solution to our baseball woes here in the Windy City.

How many of you remember a video game called Base Wars for the Nintendo Entertainment System? It was a futuristic baseball game that provided the player with a ball club of androids, tankbots and floating robots. The game followed all the standard rules of traditional baseball with one significant alteration (and arguable improvement): in a force out situation, every robot had the option of pummeling the baseman to death, thus earning their right to occupy that base.

Given the brutality of the future of baseball (and the lack of actual human players) many games were decided not by score, but by elimination due to a lack of remaining players left on the field. What a brilliant concept to make a peaceful, strategic and elegant sport a haven for merciless violence. Essentially, it takes the classy ambience of the great American pastime and combines it with the insulting inanity of American Gladiators and Battle Bots. Given these circumstances, I can safely say that no matter how accurate these new baseball video games have become, nothing will ever top the enjoyment derived from Base Wars.

In other words, Chicago should use this fine example as a blueprint for the 2007 season. Their strategy shouldn’t be to recruit better players, but to modify their existing players with cyborg accessories like a cattle prod arm and or a hand cannon that shoots out baseballs. That way when our weaker hitters like Podsednik or Anderson hit that frustrating grounder to third, we could rest assured that their chances of a base hit wouldn’t necessarily be ruled out. Unfortunately, I’m not certain how well this would jive with MLB, that’s why we need to start petitioning now so that next season, Cyborg Modifications will become a baseball standard.

Next year Major League Baseball won’t know what hit them, especially when the balls themselves are fired out of an arm cannon at 126 mph straight at the unsuspecting head of a pitiful human player. Move over steroids, this will prove to be the most contentious player modification policy of all time!