Man or Astro-Man?

File this latest insight into Tom Cruise’s Scientology exploits under F, for “fucking crazy.” It’s a tag that’s grown increasingly pervasive when discussing this once-promising actor’s gradual slide into complete psychological oblivion. The item in question: a Scientology indoctrination video featuring Cruise that has publicly surfaced after allegedly being suppressed by the religion for some time. Have a look, you won’t regret it.

At first I thought the music accompanying Cruise’s formless rant was intended to recall the Mission Impossible theme song. I dismissed this theory outright, my basis being that even Scientologists would have more sense than to leech off Cruise’s personal success. Granted, whenever this was initially shot, Cruise would have still been under contract with Paramount and at the height of his popularity as the MI poster boy, but to attempt to capitalize off this just seems shameful and well below the descretion of a legitimate organized religion… right? I was given plenty of time to reflect upon this matter as this repetitive musical loop plays throughout the entire 10-minute interview (note the subtle guitar solo that emerges around the 6-minute mark. Pretty wicked!).

Turns out Scientologists are just as opportunistic as any other organization. I came to this conclusion in the video’s sublimely jaw-dropping finale when my worst fears were confirmed as the orchestra swelled up to reveal that, sure enough, they were looping the Mission Impossible theme music. Although I don’t quite comprehend the purpose of linking a religion in which the main tenet is to cleanse the soul of alien life forms to MI’s brand of high-octane espionage, it does serves as a hilarious backdrop to the revelation that Tom Cruise is apparently receiving the Freedom Medal of Valor. This startled me for two reasons; first that Scientology gives out medals to its members and secondly, that Tom fucking Cruise was deserving of one. Try wrapping your head around what he did to receive that, since the video illuminates no evidence to back up the decision. I am glad, however, to see that his medal is of a freer composition than the rest.

I tuned out a good chunk of the video as it became increasingly apparent that Cruise’s interview persona simply serves as an unhinged precursor to his eventual work in Lions for Lambs with perhaps a hint of Jerry Maguire thrown in for good measure. There were some key parts of the video that piqued my interest more than others. Some even caused me to reconsider past decisions of mine through the crazy-colored lenses of a Scientologist. For instance, I finally figured out why my first instinct when driving by a car crash is to foolishly gawk at the wreckage rather than stop to offer any assistance of my own. According to Cruise, any aid I offered would be futile anyway since only Scientologists can really help in the matter. Try telling that to the paramedics on the scene. I’m sure they would have plenty of questions as to what special skills Scientologists posses over paramedics in general that make them more equipped to treat someone after a car crash. Perhaps it entails some sort of E-meter-based CPR; or else the victim has to donate money in order to have the “aberration” of the crash expunged from their “theta,” if I understand the process correctly.

At one point Cruise mentions something about either “orbs” or “orgs.” I played it back a couple of times, but no matter how much I strained, I couldn’t seem to make the word out clearly. A Google search for “Scientology” and “orbs” — the more reasonable choice between the two possible words — only directed me to other people expressing similar confusion. I don’t know enough about the religion beyond what I gleaned from a quick search on Wikipedia, so speculating further on the matter might be best left to someone with more background on the subject. However, I did notice a lot of acronyms throughout the interview — LOH, SP, KSW, IAS — and I did manage to track down the meaning behind most of these. Unfortunately they turn out to be less amusing when fully explained than they appear within the context of this video. Though I can tell you for sure that I’m totally an SP and judging from my reaction to this video I am also so totally “out of the arena.”

Tags: Scientology, Tom Cruise