If you live in Chicago and you ride the el to work, chances are you read the Redeye, the Chicago Tribune’s feeble attempt at reaching a hip, young audience. Certainly you can’t be blamed for your decision. After all, it’s free and it’s there; available to any asshole who needs it like toilet paper in a public restroom. Plus, if you’re into crossword puzzles or sudoku, which, I should point out, I’m not (no reason, just never got into them), it’s definitely indispensable in that regard.
Now, I don’t read it myself, but every once in a while I catch myself glancing at it over someone’s shoulder. Each time I’m reminded why I don’t bother with this shit. Like this, for instance. Oh, great. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (who, unbeknownst to me, are now cleverly referred to as TomKat) are moving to New York. Good for them. Now, remind me again why I should give a fuck?
I’m aware that throwaway articles such as this should be taken with a grain of salt, and that it might be a bigger deal if, for instance, they stretched this article out to a full-page cover story. Oh, like this little gem here. But, more than that, I think I’m just growing unbearably fed up with the level of discourse devoted to celebrity gossip right now. The supposedly cutesy celeb nicknames are merely icing on that arsenic-laced cake. The fact that I get home from work every day just in time to be sucked into that half-hour long portal to hell that is TMZ doesn’t help. Sure, I could spend that time looking for a better job — one that doesn’t allow me to be home by 5 PM — or, being that I do write about film, perhaps I should actually watch those Netflix movies that have been collecting dust on my TV stand for the last 2 fucking months. But, fuck that, I’d rather watch soulless 20-something writers hee-hawing about Hayden Christenson’s lack of b-ball skillz.
Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of this every now and then too. It must be part of our nature to take comfort in the misery of those who have more than us. Schadenfruede, right? But there’s a point one reaches where it goes a little far, and the Redeye, the suffocating asshole of the written word, exemplifies this to the utmost extreme.
Sigh. I’m not really going anywhere with this; just venting frustration and killing time until the other writers pull their heads out of their asses… or, at least, put down those damn Redeye’s they’re currently immersed in.
Tags: B-ball skillz, Cry for help, Hayden Christensen, Obvious filler, Redeye, Schadenfruede, Suffocating Assholes, TMZ, TomKat, Why No One Will See my Suicide Coming
