Critical Disdain for The Love Guru: To the Shock of No One

If our now-retired Field Sobriety Wednesday column taught us anything, it’s that there are bad movies, and then there are BAD MOVIES. The ones in caps are bad, but at least you and your drunk buddies have things to yell at the screen a la Mystery Science Theater 3000. The lowercase bad movies, well, they’re just terrible. You sit in silence, unable to say anything. Because there’s just…nothing…to…say.

It’s this category that makes for unbearably painful viewing, and after reading the reviews of The Love Guru, I’m starting to think we’ve found another addition to the (not) illustrious “bad movie” category. Yes, I’ve only read reviews, not actually seen the film for myself. But given these amazing excerpts, would you?

Here are some of my favorites, some supplied by fellow COMACC writer Erick Bieritz. I ordered them how they appear on MetaCritic, so the top ones are the more positive reviews, followed by, um, the rest.

“To some, Mike Myers is Wayne. To others, he is Austin Powers or the voice of Shrek. It’s doubtful that he will be Guru Pitka to many.”—ReelViews

“We’re talking 15 or 20 minutes of decent material. The movie runs a little longer than that.”—Chicago Tribune

“Pop-culture riffing, winking double entendres, scatological humor, and silly names aren’t just the foremost weapons in Myers’ comic arsenal, they’re all he’s got. Myers combines his love of references, silly names, and mindless repetition by having his guru use “Mariska Hargitay” as a greeting/mantra. The first time it’s employed, it’s merely unfunny; by the 13th or 40th time, it’s almost hypnotic in its awfulness. Then again, given Myers’ love of the tried-and-true, maybe Guru’s compulsive comic recycling and endless repetition are intentional.”—AV Club

“The movie’s equivalent of ‘Schwing!’ is the slightly depressing ‘Clonk!’ of Pitka getting excited within his metal pelvic prison. But who wants to see a satire of a holy man’s lasciviousness in which the hero’s business remains under lock and key? The me-so-horny jokes in The Love Guru are limp imitations of the ones in the Austin Powers movies — they’re basically Myers doing ‘Take my crotch, please!’ “—Entertainment Weekly

“Adam Sandler can breathe a sigh of relief: Thanks to fellow SNL alumus Mike Myers’ crude, bafflingly unfunny comedy, Sandler’s You Don’t Mess With the Zohan won’t be remembered as the worst movie of 2008.”—TV Guide

“Even his fellow actors seem to realize no one is laughing. That’s impossible, because they can’t hear the audience, but it looks uncannily like they can, and don’t.”—Chicago Sun-Times

“Compared to The Love Guru, Get Smart is Citizen Kane.”—Wall Street Journal

“Some of the lowest moments involve Sir Ben Kingsley, who appears as Pitka’s mentor, the permanently cross-eyed Guru Tugginmypudha. I’ve read that Kingsley, who was made a knight of the realm in 2001, often alienates the English press by insisting on the usage of his full title, even in casual social situations. If he’s that concerned about maintaining his dignity, he might reconsider taking on roles in which people swordfight with mops soaked in their own piss.”—Slate