Signing Off…

Ok, so here’s the deal. We haven’t posted since late July and I sincerely doubt we will be posting anything new ever again. Of course, there’s always the slight possibility that that will change, but it’s looking pretty bleak at the moment.

But have no fear, this site may be dead, but another is just beginning. I’ve decided to open things up a bit and start a site of my own where the topics won’t be confined elusively to cinema. It’s called Boxing Uwe Boll and it’s still in the early stages of development. I’ll likely be tinkering with it extensively over the next few weeks, so bear with me if it appears a little rough around the edges. So I urge you to check it out if you have the time. Chances are, if you’re stopping here anyway, you really have no reason not to head on over there. Unless you’re for some reason compelled to look back over the old, outdated entries here on COMACC over and over again. Do whatever you please.

According to MPAA, “Zack and Miri” Make an NC-17

With a title like Zack and Miri Make a Porno, most directors wouldn’t be shocked to learn that, after three ill-fated attempts to re-edit their work, the Motion Picture Association of America might dole out the NC-17 rating that the title implies the film deserves.

But, then again, most directors aren’t Kevin Smith.

Smith, famous for firing back against critics who spoke out against his truly abhorrent Clerks II, is at it again. This time, instead of Good Morning America film critic Joel Siegel, he is upset with the MPAA for failing to give Zack and Miri Make a Porno the R rating he feels it deserves.

Dealing with this setback as tactfully as ever, Smith issued a 90-minute presentation that the Associated Press describes as being “peppered with profanity,” insisting that the film deserves “a hard R” rating. Indeed, an R-rated version of the film is scheduled for release on Oct. 31, 2008, providing, of course, that Smith can deliver the goods without sacrificing the – ahem – content.

No stranger to the NC-17 label, Smith’s first feature film, the groundbreaking independent movie Clerks, originally received this same rating due to its sexually explicit content, even though it features no nudity whatsoever. At the time of its release, it was the only film to ever successfully earn a repeal from an NC-17 to R rating. So, to win this battle, Zack and Miri seems to be in the most capable hands, even if those hands do belong to Smith, who periodically seems to bite the studio and critical hands that feed him.

Despite this rating crisis and the box-office doom that an NC-17 rating typically delivers, Smith managed to reassure fans that, while the film is a “really sweet love story,” it is also just as raunchy as his previous canonical filth, which includes wild romps through necrophilia, interspecies erotica and countless poop jokes.

So, rest assured Kevin Smith fans; actor Seth Rogan, who plays the title character Zack in Zack and Miri, attests that it truly is “a really filthy movie.”

Albeit, “a really filthy movie” that only deserves an R rating.

Breakout Quote — “Call Me Snake”

Hauk: “You going to kill me now, Snake?”
Snake: “I’m too tired. Maybe later.”

Escape From New York’s Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) is a character that is essentially nonplussed by everything that happens to him. Shanghaied into service by the autocratic U.S. government? Whatever. Attacked by a mob of subterranean crazies? Big deal. Forced to fight a giant with spiked clubs? Meh.

Russell’s stoic annoyance works because he’s given such great larger-than-life foils. Legendary spaghetti western actor Lee Van Cleef and Bond villain Donald Pleasence both chew scenery like there’s no tomorrow. Adrienne Barbeau and Ernest Borgnine aren’t exactly understated supporting actors either. The Duke of New York (Isaac Hayes) is the only one who can stay as cool as Snake.

Snake’s incredibly narrow expressive vocal range tops out at a threatening hiss and bottoms in a reticent grunt of pain. It feels as if he is even playing to the lack of sound in his environment and even the film itself; most of the movie’s action eschews words for environmental sounds and the excellent dark disco soundtrack. Vangelis is often lauded as the ambient king of early ‘80s film music, but director John Carpenter, who composed most of his own scores, did more with less. This emphasis is even more evident in Assault on Precinct 13 and Halloween, Carpenter’s best films.

Snake is just a guy forced to do a terrible job, who is so disgusted by the situation that he can’t be bothered to even become outwardly angry. He is extraordinarily cool, but not in a heroic or enviable way. This is appropriate because under most moral systems, action heroes who are likeable or relatable are ethically disgusting. Rarely should a character that excels in violence be likeable or relatable.

Plissken’s sole true heroic action comes at the end of the film, and even it is arguably as much an act of spite as it is of justice. His attitude in this final gesture as he walks into the fadeout — not even bothering to run from the pandemonium he has probably caused — is as noncommittal as anything the dislikeable, non-relatable man has done before. Which is how it should be.

Gastronomical Punners of the World Unite!

“There’s a lot of slow-motion. The episodes were running up to 8 minutes under. The only way to stretch them out was with slow-motion. And, we, tried to keep the slow-motion away from the dialogue as much as possible, but anything without dialogue was considered for slow-motion.”
-Dean Lerner

Fire Joe Morgan, a blog that satirizes bad sports writing, frequently chastises writers for excessive use of food metaphors, which are apparently frighteningly common in columns about Juan Pierre’s baseball prowess and the importance of not “clogging the bases.” I’m half-tempted to turn FJM’s lens on the reviews for My Blueberry Nights, few of which could resist using dessert puns to peg the movie (recently out on DVD) as an unsubstantial confection. I resist the temptation because as corny as they are, most of them are still pretty accurate.

This is a Kar Wai Wong film in which the lovelorn leave keys at restaurants and eat food immediately before it’s supposed to expire. This is not the first Kar Wai Wong film in which the lovelorn leave keys at restaurants and eat food immediately before it’s supposed to expire. That would be 1994’s Chungking Express, the film that (along with In the Mood For Love and 2046) established Wong as a pared-down romantic with a feel for loosely structured stories and moody, colorful visuals.

A Film Quiz That’ll Leave You Feeling Empty Inside

I stumbled upon FIlmWise’s Invisibles quizzes back at my first job, when a film buff buddy of mine and I would kill time waiting to leave work for the day. The concept behind them is staggering in its simplicity: Photoshop out the bodies of characters in movie stills, and attempt to ID the correct films based on clothing and set alone. But damn, some of them were hard. Only a super film geek could nail them all in record time.

So, with this being a slow film week, I thought I’d challenge the COMACC staff to a friendly little competition. I sent them a random link to one of the quizzes (this one, published on 9/11) and asked them to share how they fared. I should point out that I’ve been staring at the chosen quiz for a good 20 minutes, and I have yet to figure any of them out. Maybe that’s why I write the break-up letters.

Here’s how they fared:
Dave FYI, I suck at this one. None of these images are registering.
…later…
Dave 3 out of 8. Fuck.
Ashleigh Alright, I’m just looking at the first one right now. Stand by for results, which likely will make you all gawk in envy. Either that or extreme shame that you even allow me on the same web space as you.
…later…
Ashleigh In a surprising twist on my typical self-deprecation, I actually out-scored Dave. Five out of Eight! Dare I say “Eat it!”?
Dave Judging by the length of time it took you to complete it, I’m guessing you cheated. No, I take it back, I’m not guessing, I’m knowing. It’s all too obvious. Dare I say, “eat it” back at you?
Ashleigh Don’t you dare accuse me of cheating! That was knowledge pouring out of my obviously fuller-than-your brain. If you want to go back to mocking me, however, you’ll be glad to know that I missed only the most obvious ones. (In my defense, I haven’t seen ET since my high school French class. “Bonjour, Je m’apple Elliott. Mangez un dick, Micevic.”)
Dave Ummm. you’re doing the wrong one, Ashleigh.
[Note: Earlier, I had sent a link that Dave had screwed up, revealing the answers. He had requested a redo.]
Ashleigh I’m doing the very first one that Steve sent today. Quiz 311 [Note: the wrong one]. You can commence mockery once I’m done completing the rest of them in order.
Dave Yeah, except I scratched that one due to my error. Remember this? “Umm, can we do a different one. I didn’t realize it was going to show me the answers when I submitted and I just wanted to see how many I was getting right, but I left quite a few blank, which is no fun.” You need only look like a few emails up to find it. Until then, bite your tongue.
Erick I got four right.

Feel free to play along at home.

If Only All Black People Spoke In Rhyme

While recently discussing the G.I. Joe feature that’s in the works for 2009, I joked that the role of Roadblock – a machine gunner/cook who, in the cartoon, always spoke in rhyme – should go to a rapper. In the sort of development that has become weirdly frequent, my ostensibly improbable Hollywood quip may potentially be true. I really should not be surprised by any casting decision for a film that already involves Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander (clearly Topher-Grace-as-Venom has set a precedent for skinny nerds as menacing super-villains).

Roadblock wasn’t a rapper, just a Mr. T-styled wacky black person. But making him a rapper in 2008 is just about the only way the gimmick would be anything but exploitation-lite. Common, however, is not the only choice available…

Common
Common didn’t really start acting until 2006, but he’s going at a pretty good clip now. Like many rappers, he’s playing up the grit factor in crime and action, with roles in American Gangster, Smokin’ Aces, and Wanted. Terminator 4 will be his highest-profile role.

Best Case: Common’s music is informed by wide-ranging collaborations – he has to be a pretty good team player to work with artists as disparate as Stereolab’s Laetitia Sadier and The Last Poets – so the ensemble nature of G.I. Joe could work for him.

Worst Case: Common is more well-spoken than imposing, and it’s a lot easier to imagine him in his other slated role as the Green Lantern than as a dude who can carry a 130 lb. machine gun in one hand like it’s no big deal.

Daily Show–Affiliated Men I Feel Bad For

Why can’t these guys catch a huge break?

Rob Corddry

On this former Daily Show correspondent’s final show, Jon Stewart asked if he realized he was “going out on a poop joke.” (I don’t remember what the actual comment was.) “Well Jon, I have to stay true to my roots,” Corddry retorted. Still, when Daily Show people leave, it’s usually for bigger and better things. Steve Carell’s the shining example, starring in the 40-Year Old Virgin (among other shittier flicks) and helming The Office, alongside, well, Ed Helms. And we all know Colbert’s almost as big as, if not bigger than, Stewart on the Colbert Report.

But it seems Corddry’s comment wasn’t that far off. Since leaving the show, he’s enjoyed bit parts in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Blades of Glory, Semi-Pro and most recently Harold & Kumar 2 and What Happens in Vegas. All broad comedies; all put this actor’s nuanced affable sarcasm to ill use.

What Corddry needs is another sitcom. He tried to front The Winner, about a middle aged guy who still lives with his parents, but it wasn’t all that well written and couldn’t garner enough viewers on a post–Arrested Development Fox. Corddry shined, though, flipping even the most bland lines into laugh-out-loud gold. I’m hoping he goes the Chris Parnell route (see ABC’s Miss Guided) and lands a recurring role on some single camera sitcom—or, at least steer clear of the frat pack films for a while.

An Open Letter To Sarah Marshall

Hey you-

Hi. We’ve never met, so this may be a bit presumptuous. But if you have a minute, I want to chat about something.

So Forgetting Sarah Marshall, the latest Judd Apatow flick, comes out this Friday. And this one’s not slipping through the cracks, as their marketing campaign, chronicled expertly in this previous COMACC post, has surpassed viral to become somewhat of an epidemic. Nary a bus, billboard or friendly sign-carrying hobo passes us by without proclaiming “I’m so over you Sarah Marshall,” “My mom always hated you, Sarah Marshall,” or “Sarah ‘Slut’ Marshall.” (Or something to that effect.) Yes, perhaps they’re mean, but it’s a film. It’s fiction. We’re all having a bit of fun.

Or so we thought. Apparently, you are offended. You’ve said “I’m starting to take it personally” and that “The name Sarah Marshall has been ruined for me.” The campaign has also motivated you to do things like sign up for extra, prohibitively expensive spinning classes and “worry about my hair and makeup every day.” You’ve also demanded the company take decisive action and “specify that it’s a movie.”

Things about the Oscars that were borderline goodish

No one wore a goose or flashed the camera, but the Oscars weren’t all that unworthy of watching—the highest compliment I’m willing to dole out. Thinking back, I’m sure we’ll remember the winners (or at least be able to remind ourselves via Wikipedia lists), but what about the rest of the ceremony? Give it a week, and you’ll be hard-pressed to recall most of anything that happened between all those “And the Oscar goes to” ’s.

But if you’re, for whatever inexplicable reason, curious, here’s a list of Academy Awards moments worth an 80th annual shout:

- Ellen Page walking the red carpet in the most-like–Princess-Leia hairstyle of the evening.

- Stewart’s opening monologue. He wasted no time (after emerging from the onstage pod) in bringing up the late writer’s strike, pointing out that the ceremony was, in fact, the “make-up sex” between the guild and studio honchos. In true Stewart fashion, he also touched on politics, pointing out that Barack Hussein Obama has a hell of a name backlash to overcome, not unlike the 1944 presidential candidate, who he says was an unfortunate man called Gaydolf Titler.

- Steve Carell’s tossback to Stewart before introducing Best Animated Feature: “You never cease to amaze me with your constant need for attention.” Aw, they’re still buddies.

- Jennifer Hudson’s boobs. C’mon, in that white dress, those things looked like a bag of marshmallows rescued from the bottom of the pantry.

- The “Binoculars & Periscopes” montage. Too short—leave it to the Academy to overlook a great B&P shot.

- Tilda Swinton’s ostensibly off-the-cuff acceptance speech, in which she gave props to George Clooney for climbing into the rubber Batman suit “with the nipples”. Remember the good ol’ days when you just hit the person you had a crush on in the face?

- Seth Rogen and Johan Hill’s banter on who would make a better Halle Berry. Sounds like a conversation they had one night while riding the Pineapple Express.

- Marion Cotillaro’s surprising Best Actress victory, followed by the totally-in-shock thanking of “life” and “love”.

- The cast of Once performing Falling Slowly. The house couldn’t have been more silent and at-attention. And just when we thought we were going to have to wait for the Oscar-winning Once 2: Twice to hear a sweet, heart-felt speech from Markéta Irglová, our prayers were…addressed.

- Stewart’s intro for Harrison Ford “Our next presenter’s either an international movie star or an auto dealership.”

- Daniel Day Lewis. Man, that dude’s boring and unmustached in real life.

Bernie Mac or Anthony Anderson?

Advances in technology have allowed archivists and film scholars to go further than ever before in restoring movies damaged by age, commercial indifference, and studio neglect. Concurrently, directors and producers have used lavish DVD releases to make imperfect or compromised films more closely match their original vision.

But in some ways, the hardworking men and women who release these films are too conservative. Too safe. Too afraid to do something that might actually improve the film in question, even if it does differ slightly from the original vision. I’m talking, of course, about digitally inserting comic relief.

I’m going to float some ideas here. They’re just a few suggestions that might improve some critically praised movies of the past. For my purposes I’m going to stick with two of COMACC’s favorite foils: Bernie Mac and Anthony Anderson. I was inspired by the wildly overstaffed Transformers movie, which features both actors (although not in the same scene, which would have probably destroyed the universe or something). There’s no particular reason to use these two, except perhaps their recurring, pigeonholed presences in so many films, which is either respectably workmanlike or shamefully mercenary. Which of the two is closer to the truth isn’t really important for these treatments.