Lessons on Love and Beauty from Miss Hilton

I was fortunate enough to sit in on a recent viewing of the latest gem in the ever-evolving “career” of Paris Hilton: The Hottie and the Nottie. The film, as one can only expect, was laden with insights into the nature of beauty and the mystery of true romance. Needless to say, I walked away with a better understanding of what it takes to be attractive and I feel obligated to share these lessons with you. Looking over the box office returns for The Hottie, I feel confident that many of you aren’t privy to the magical observations covered in this film. No need to worry. I’ve got you covered with a few tips I gleaned from the whole experience. Pay attention, ladies. These are lessons you can’t avoid to overlook if you’re seeking true love.

Lesson 1: Inner beauty can exist in ugly people. It may even be their only virtue. But always remember that your inner beauty is still proportional to your outer beauty. Sure, it’s great to possess a wonderful personality, but in order to fully capitalize on it, you have to frame those indefinable traits within a clearly defined structure: generic good looks. Think of your inner beauty as a type of head-start over your competition, provided you aren’t — you know — too smart for your own good. To give you an example, when attempting to reel in a man at a bar, a conversation about recursive formulas and fugues in relation to Hofstadter’s GEB wouldn’t be a sufficiently sexy topic. That’s an example of smart in a bad way. However, a general and vague reference to being “into art” without going into any specifics concerning the discipline: that’s inner beauty gold.

Lesson 2: Being stalked is a normal part of life. Don’t view it as a threat. View it as a rather extreme form of flattery. Obviously you don’t want to give in to it at all, but there is no reason you can’t take a light-hearted approach to the matter, even when a restraining order is involved. You can turn it into something of a game. The point is your looks are the most important feature you can have. If they’re compelling enough to drive a man to the brink of insanity and frightening obsession, all the better for your self-esteem. It proves you’ve got it going on. If you’re finding the concept difficult to swallow, just imagine that you’re in an adorable romantic comedy where this type of behavior is the norm.

Lesson 3: When you finally do land that “perfect man,” be sure to test him often and thoroughly. If you don’t think he loves you for who you are, pretend you’re someone else for a while. Better yet, pretend to be drunk and obnoxious (note: if you happen to be drunk and obnoxious regularly, simply reverse the procedure). Be excessively vulgar and gross — whatever it takes to position your actions in the most unrealistic, cartoonish light possible. If it disgusts him, he’s not the one for you. Now, mind you, this type of behavior is not advised on a casual basis. In other words, if you are actually allowing yourself to come across as pathetically human on a daily basis (e.g., burping loudly, farting or —yikes!— allowing yourself to gain weight), good luck finding someone. The law of Hilton states that you will likely spend the remainder of your life alone. The price of graceful beauty is steep; if it comes at the expense of human empathy, so be it. We’re talking about popularity and sex appeal here. This is a winner-take-all scenario. If you aren’t prepared to play for keeps, then you must resign yourself to the role of spectator. I don’t want to come across as harsh, but you play by Hilton’s rules, you die by them. No exceptions.

Lesson 4: Always be suspicious of someone willing to pay for your dental reconstruction or plastic surgery (if I may step outside my sarcastic framework for a moment — seriously! This is actually pretty useful advise and I suggest you take heed of it).

Lesson 5: Makeup. Makeup. Makeup. I can’t stress this enough. Think of makeup as the human paint God forgot to apply when he was resting on the seventh day. Now, this ties in slightly with the theme of lesson one, but I feel it warrants repetition. If you’re a pretty average looking woman, makeup can boost you into the Paris Hilton stratosphere. Experts will tell you that a little makeup goes a long way. Well, those so-called experts can eat a so-called dick (not literally, of course) because makeup is the lifeblood that fuels your inner beauty and you can never apply too much. To reference The Hottie and the Nottie directly; early in the film, the “nottie” mentioned that she was doing everything in her power to try to meet someone. Well, obviously she wasn’t trying hard enough because by the end of the movie — after the removal of her wart, a good shower, a little Rogaine®, some expert dentistry, and, most important of all, the application of some much-needed makeup — the “nottie” discovered that it’s what’s on the outside that really matters and could finally fully complete her transition into a “hottie” (well, not as “hot” as Paris — who is clearly the most desirable female alive — but in a relative sort of way). This allowed her to inevitably win the heart of the man who was vaguely able to detect the inner beauty trapped beneath her horrid outer features, all thanks to the assistance of proper cosmetics!

Lesson 6: This one is more related to filmmaking — romantic comedies in particular — than the art of seduction and the essence of beauty. But when attempting to make your film memorable, it is always a good idea to crib the plot and gross-out humor of There’s Somthing About Mary as liberally as possible. You simply can’t go wrong if you steal from that film, no?

Tags: Hottie, How to be attractive, How to pick up women/men using GEB, Makeup, Nottie, Paris Hilton, Restraining Orders, Stalkers, The Rapture