Jason Statham to Play Against Type as Tough English Gangster

A movie is never just a movie in Hollywood. It is the beginning of an extended commercial assault on the country’s consciousness. That assault can take many forms, from viral Web campaigns to preposterous merchandising efforts. But it’s particularly evident in the form of unnecessary sequels. It’s true both for successful films that in no way need a sequel (The Blair Witch Project) and films that actively want a sequel but in no way financially warrant it (BloodRayne). I’m surprised the studios resisted the urge to make Passion of the Christ 2: Bloody Vengeance (Tagline: “They tortured, humiliated, and finally killed Him. Now it’s His turn to kick some ass.”)

But it’s no surprise that Crank 2: High Voltage begins filming at the end of the month and is set for a 2009 release. Groan.

Crank, for all of its faults, is a decent movie. It manipulates pacing very effectively to keep itself from ever becoming rudely farcical. The film’s ending doesn’t sensibly allow for a sequel, so there’s a pretty high risk that this one is going to go right over the top. Twisting the original’s concept – protagonist Chev Chelios (Statham) now needs regular electrical jolts instead of adrenaline – further raises the potential campiness. This could drift into Shoot ‘Em Up territory, and that is not where the Crank franchise needs to be.

And if there has to be a sequel, why such a dull name? This is clearly a film that would benefit from the 2 Fast 2 Furious verb/adjective sequel escalation rule. Crank 2? Garbage name. Crankier? Glorious golden garbage.

Although I’m not happy about the existence of a sequel at all, if there has to be one, the film’s original concept still had plenty of room for exploration. Chelios could have done any of the following things in Crank 2 to keep his adrenaline up:

Ride a roller coaster. While on fire.
Have people jump out from behind things and startle him a lot.
Bet his car that he can make a hook shot from half court so that his girlfriend can be a contestant on “Jeopardy!”
Take a stressfully difficult math test.
Explain to a mob of angry, defrauded film financers why he went along with In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.
Get strapped to a spinning wheel and have knives thrown at him, like in the circus. Catch: the knives are thrown by a bear, and the bear is drunk.

In the best-case scenario the franchise can right itself in the next decade or so. All audiences can look forward to Crank 5, in which Chelios will die if he can’t stop hiccuping.