I was fortunate enough to sit in on a recent viewing of the latest gem in the ever-evolving “career” of Paris Hilton: The Hottie and the Nottie. The film, as one can only expect, was laden with insights into the nature of beauty and the mystery of true romance. Needless to say, I walked away with a better understanding of what it takes to be attractive and I feel obligated to share these lessons with you. Looking over the box office returns for The Hottie, I feel confident that many of you aren’t privy to the magical observations covered in this film. No need to worry. I’ve got you covered with a few tips I gleaned from the whole experience. Pay attention, ladies. These are lessons you can’t avoid to overlook if you’re seeking true love.
Lesson 1: Inner beauty can exist in ugly people. It may even be their only virtue. But always remember that your inner beauty is still proportional to your outer beauty. Sure, it’s great to possess a wonderful personality, but in order to fully capitalize on it, you have to frame those indefinable traits within a clearly defined structure: generic good looks. Think of your inner beauty as a type of head-start over your competition, provided you aren’t — you know — too smart for your own good. To give you an example, when attempting to reel in a man at a bar, a conversation about recursive formulas and fugues in relation to Hofstadter’s GEB wouldn’t be a sufficiently sexy topic. That’s an example of smart in a bad way. However, a general and vague reference to being “into art” without going into any specifics concerning the discipline: that’s inner beauty gold.
The Children of Marx and Coca-Cola 