Boll Declares War on Dr. Jones, Spielberg and America’s Dignity*

It’s reassuring to know that even during an off week in content due to a surprisingly hectic schedule, I can still count on a quick Google search for “Uwe Boll” to produce limitless results, allowing me to churn out a post in a crunch. The latest entry in the repertoire of insanity from the director of Alone in the Dark is his conscious, ill-advised and, well, curiously aggressive decision to release his 9/11 themed horror comedy Postal on the same day as Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. This will probably be old news for those of you who’ve been keeping tabs on the long and checkered Boll saga; but, seriously, is anyone really that passionate and up-to-date about the subject other than Boll himself or the film critics he has boxed to death?

You can’t count on Boll to make a competent film. However, you can count on him to make outrageous statements, and his latest should go down as some of his most priceless. The following apparently appeared in an email he sent out regarding his decision to release Postal on May 23rd:

”On the Indiana Jones weekend – May 23 – we will go out and destroy Indiana Jones in the Box Office! We all know that Harrison Ford is older as my grandpa and his time is up – would Michael Moore say! Spielberg gets sloppy. We saw that with War of the Worlds (why the fuck the older brother survived?) and also in parts of Jaws, E.T., Munich etc.! My performance in Postal as ‘Nazi Theme Park Owner’ outperforms easily Ben Kingsley in Schindler’s List!”

Ah, who could forget Micheal Moore’s famous confrontation with George Lucas in his notorious documentary This Film Does Not Exist in which he menacingly declared, “We all know that Harrison Ford is older as my grandpa and his time is up.” Man, Lucas was really put on the spot with that one. No wonder he struggled with his response. You could just imagine the sweat forming beneath that wookie beard of his. But still, you have to suspect, as usual, foul play on the part of Moore to tamper with reality through deceptive editing.

Honestly, I don’t know what Boll is referring to here and I guess neither does he, considering he makes the claim the he can out-act Ben Kingsley. I realize that Boll is attempting to be facetious, but I feel like sometimes he’s unable to discern between parody and insanity. Nonetheless, the idea of Uwe Boll out-acting Ben Kingsley is hilarious and juxtaposing his performance in Schindler’s List with a performance vaguely referred to as”Nazi Theme Park Owner” is perhaps a masterstroke for Boll. Ironically, the worst performance Kingsley ever put in was his role in an Uwe Boll movie (Bloodrayne) and I’d bet that he could still outduel Boll’s acting, whatever that may entail.

So, on May 23rd when you’re faced with the decision of seeing the first Indiana Jones film in over a decade or a comedy — about a recent national tragedy — that Gary Coleman allegedly turned down, I hope you can find the strength to make the right decision (and by right, I mean one not influenced by irony or some viciously anti-commercial sensibilities). As for me, I’m throwing caution to the wind and going with the underdog. Expect me front and center at the premier of what’s sure to be the worst film of the year. My prediction: Indiana Jones will top the box office that weekend. Postal will bring in exactly $10: my own.

*Author’s Note: Apparently WordPress has decided to randomly assign an author to this post. I feel like I deserve at least some credit for what I write and have therefore changed the author from Erick Bieritz back to myself. Sorry for the confusion, if there actually was any. —Dave Micevic

Tags: Ben Kingsley, George Lucas, Identity Theft, Nazi Theme Park Owner, Postal, Steven Spielberg, Uwe Boll