A Conversation with Uwe Boll

With the recent proliferation of videogame adaptations laying siege on cinema, I thought it might be pertinent to take an in-depth look at the ramifications of this invasion. Who better to provide the most cutting insight into the matter than Uwe Boll, arguably the genre’s supreme chancellor? I got a chance to sit down this weekend with the feisty German in his posh Los Angeles loft for a candid and surprisingly levelheaded discussion on the past, present and future of videogame adaptations*

Dave Micevic: First of all, Mr. Boll, thank you for sacrificing time from your busy schedule to talk with me today. I know you must be overwhelmed with the advance publicity for your upcoming film Postal.

Uwe Boll: (laughs nervously) I assume you’re referring to that “Indiana Jones” ordeal, right? I know you’re being facetious, but see it as I do; you have a film as volatile as Postal and you have to sell it on that supposed volatility. It is aimed at a particular audience that responds to that level of indecency and it follows that stunts like this only further solidify the film’s potential cult reputation. Know your audience; play to their values and, in doing so, if you manage to scrounge up an occasional attendee based on irony as you yourself claim you will do, even better.

Boll Declares War on Dr. Jones, Spielberg and America’s Dignity*

It’s reassuring to know that even during an off week in content due to a surprisingly hectic schedule, I can still count on a quick Google search for “Uwe Boll” to produce limitless results, allowing me to churn out a post in a crunch. The latest entry in the repertoire of insanity from the director of Alone in the Dark is his conscious, ill-advised and, well, curiously aggressive decision to release his 9/11 themed horror comedy Postal on the same day as Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. This will probably be old news for those of you who’ve been keeping tabs on the long and checkered Boll saga; but, seriously, is anyone really that passionate and up-to-date about the subject other than Boll himself or the film critics he has boxed to death?

You can’t count on Boll to make a competent film. However, you can count on him to make outrageous statements, and his latest should go down as some of his most priceless. The following apparently appeared in an email he sent out regarding his decision to release Postal on May 23rd:

”On the Indiana Jones weekend – May 23 – we will go out and destroy Indiana Jones in the Box Office! We all know that Harrison Ford is older as my grandpa and his time is up – would Michael Moore say! Spielberg gets sloppy. We saw that with War of the Worlds (why the fuck the older brother survived?) and also in parts of Jaws, E.T., Munich etc.! My performance in Postal as ‘Nazi Theme Park Owner’ outperforms easily Ben Kingsley in Schindler’s List!”

Ah, who could forget Micheal Moore’s famous confrontation with George Lucas in his notorious documentary This Film Does Not Exist in which he menacingly declared, “We all know that Harrison Ford is older as my grandpa and his time is up.” Man, Lucas was really put on the spot with that one. No wonder he struggled with his response. You could just imagine the sweat forming beneath that wookie beard of his. But still, you have to suspect, as usual, foul play on the part of Moore to tamper with reality through deceptive editing.

Honestly, I don’t know what Boll is referring to here and I guess neither does he, considering he makes the claim the he can out-act Ben Kingsley. I realize that Boll is attempting to be facetious, but I feel like sometimes he’s unable to discern between parody and insanity. Nonetheless, the idea of Uwe Boll out-acting Ben Kingsley is hilarious and juxtaposing his performance in Schindler’s List with a performance vaguely referred to as”Nazi Theme Park Owner” is perhaps a masterstroke for Boll. Ironically, the worst performance Kingsley ever put in was his role in an Uwe Boll movie (Bloodrayne) and I’d bet that he could still outduel Boll’s acting, whatever that may entail.

So, on May 23rd when you’re faced with the decision of seeing the first Indiana Jones film in over a decade or a comedy — about a recent national tragedy — that Gary Coleman allegedly turned down, I hope you can find the strength to make the right decision (and by right, I mean one not influenced by irony or some viciously anti-commercial sensibilities). As for me, I’m throwing caution to the wind and going with the underdog. Expect me front and center at the premier of what’s sure to be the worst film of the year. My prediction: Indiana Jones will top the box office that weekend. Postal will bring in exactly $10: my own.

*Author’s Note: Apparently WordPress has decided to randomly assign an author to this post. I feel like I deserve at least some credit for what I write and have therefore changed the author from Erick Bieritz back to myself. Sorry for the confusion, if there actually was any. —Dave Micevic

In the Name of Uwe Boll: A Financial Wreck Tale

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, the $70 million fantasy epic, bombed magnificently at the box office, drawing only $3 million in its first weekend, and the circling vultures know that infamous director Uwe Boll is running out of extra lives.

This isn’t the first time Boll’s big budget future has been questioned, but news reports now seem certain that he won’t be making more mega-million movies. His recent comments to the Hollywood Reporter suggest he’s thinking the same thing.

This could signal the end of Boll as a byword for bad films. Two of the most frequently disastrous (and hilarious) aspects of Boll films are symptomatic of their budgets: special effects and casting. The former includes “clever” POV shots, unbelievably derivative bullet-time editing, and similarly exhausted post-Matrix techniques. The latter stuffs his films with slumping B-list actors who sometimes don’t even seem to conceal their disdain for the material. With these two cash-bloated albatrosses lifted from his neck, Boll will just be left with his lethally banal scripts and static direction. That would still mean bad movies, but not Uwe Boll-bad. He would still have a lot of obstacles to conquer, but he would be well on his way to making a bearable film.